#415: Lori Gottlieb — The Power of Getting to *Unknow* Yourself

Getting to unknow yourself is to let go of the very limiting stories you’ve been carrying around so you can live your life, not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life. So many of us are walking around living some story we’re telling ourselves about our life that doesn’t reflect reality.

So many of us self-flagellate. We think that if we self-flagellate, it'll help us feel better. It's very paradoxical ... Self-flagellation never leads to long-term change. It might make you do something in the moment, but it won't last.

There's a difference between pain and suffering. We all experience pain at various points in our lives, but we don't have to suffer so much. Sometimes we're the cause of our suffering.

Our fear of our feelings is often scarier than the feelings themselves.

You can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't actually make changes out in the world, the insight is useless.

Denial is a way of staving off these uncomfortable feelings that we don't want to acknowledge. My job as a therapist is to get under that denial and help somebody realize that dealing with the feelings will be a lot easier than staying in denial.

So many of us are carrying around fascinating stories that we don’t think are fascinating. We think of our lives are pretty ordinary, but as a therapist, I can tell you that the most extraordinary stories come out of people grounded in the ordinary.

We have these voices in our heads that try to talk us out of things. Often, the most authentic place in us is the quiet voice.

I love giving books as gifts. They're my favorite gift to receive. I love giving them because it feels like I'm giving an experience to somebody ... Books, to me, are the best gift.

Often, in a relationship, the person saying, "You never listen to me," isn't a good listener themselves.

Feelings are like weather systems. They blow in; they blow out. Just because you feel something doesn't mean the storm will stay there indefinitely.

Historically, one of my main challenges has been identifying what I'm unwilling to feel. I've been trying to practice allowing those feelings and being kind to myself when I'm experiencing them instead of beating the living shit out of myself for opening the door to any of those feelings.

Before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they're not surrounded by assholes.

Acknowledge the fact that life has a 100% mortality rate.

There's one thing that nobody can take away from us, and that's the freedom to choose our attitude in any given situation.